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VMware ESXi on QEmu Kernel Panic

I attempted to install ESXi 5.5 (the free version) into a QEmu 1.6.1 VM. The guest OS does have the svm capabilities, but it appears VMware is trying to do some kind of hypercall that crashes the guest.

There is more information here: https://communities.vmware.com/message/2297382

It seems to me that this stubbed feature should just be disabled if it is unusable. Or at the very least I should be able to disable it at run-time with a command-line argument.

Is there some way to disable all the hypervisor features that makes it very obvious to a guest os that it is running inside a VM? It would be great if I could install a software and it would actually work (even if it's slow with those features disabled).

FYI, my guest OS capabilities are:

# cat /proc/cpuinfo
processor       : 0
vendor_id       : AuthenticAMD
cpu family      : 6
model           : 2
model name      : QEMU Virtual CPU version 1.5.3
stepping        : 3
microcode       : 0x1000065
cpu MHz         : 1999.999
cache size      : 512 KB
fpu             : yes
fpu_exception   : yes
cpuid level     : 4
wp              : yes
flags           : fpu de pse tsc msr pae mce cx8 apic sep mtrr pge mca cmov pat pse36 clflush mmx fxsr sse sse2 syscall nx lm nopl pni cx16 popcnt hypervisor lahf_lm svm abm sse4a
bogomips        : 3999.99
TLB size        : 1024 4K pages
clflush size    : 64
cache_alignment : 64
address sizes   : 40 bits physical, 48 bits virtual
power management: